How do some people always emit a lot of positive energy and confidence irrespective of how they look, what social connections they have and have money in their pocket or not?

Even the most doubtful person finds themselves attracted and enamoured by their charm. You turn to these people for advice, companionship and help always. They are the life of the party and their surroundings and you never seem to have enough of them.

What makes them so irresistible? What do they have that you don’t have?

The difference is that their Self-worth comes from within themselves and they are not searching for validation outside of them. If you are one of them who thinks that these traits are unteachable, natural, by genes and is for only a few; that is a gross misconception.

There are certain habits that these people practice daily to become what they are:

Focus on People more than anything else.

Concentrate on the people around you than looking at your smartphones. Listen to what people around you want to say and ask open-ended questions to draw them out more. Do not obsess with yourself and spend time thinking what you should respond to people or what they are thinking about you.

Be Authentic.

Do not fake about who you are. Be who you are and talk about what you feel is right. When you are authentic, people do not have to burn their brains to find out what your next move will be. People know you can be trusted when you put up the real face.

Find your reasons to love Life.

Always be passionate and positive about whatever you do. Always look at life as an adventure and approach it with joy. Other people will always want to be a part of your exciting journey. Treat your problems as temporary obstacles than internalizing it and thinking of it as an inescapable fate. Remember if today is a bad day, tomorrow, next week, next month or next year would be better.

Ditch Small talk.

Small talk will keep you away from the true emotional connection. Do not approach people with small-talk; it will put the mind of the listener on autopilot and hence will prevent any real affinity towards you. Instead be interested in the other person’s life and adventures.

Treat everyone with respect.

Be polite to everyone alike, be it your biggest client or a waiter taking his orders. People notice when you behave very nicely with them and not with others around you. Always keep your head levelled and separate yourself from your successes.

Don’t try too hard.

Do not dominate your conversations with how smart and successful you are. Resist the urge and with practice and eventually, your patterns of communication will change.

Smile.

People unconsciously mirror your body language when you talk to them. Smile during conversations and people will return you the favour.

Be Presentable.

Make a genuine effort to look your best, like cleaning your house before guests arrive as a respect for the other person. Once you have made yourself presentable, forget about it.

Differentiate between Fact and Opinion

Handle controversial topics with grace and poise. Share your opinions but make it clear that they are just opinions, not facts. Recognise that whether you are discussing global warming, GMO food, or Politics; people as intelligent as you may have different opinions.

Being Irresistible is perfecting a few habits. Always remember the key is to Focus more on the other person than on yourself.

Do you often feel like you did not deserve whatever you have achieved? Be it your college grades, the promotion or the salary hike. Hence, whatever you achieve is the result of Luck, chance or negligence of other people. Do you often find youself stressing out about the fact that you are a fraud; would be exposed someday and all that you achieved would be rightfully taken away from you?

There is a name for these set of negative thoughts that you have. You are suffering from the “ IMPOSTER SYNDROME”.

What is Imposter Syndrome?

Imposter Syndrome is a pattern of Self-Doubt and Anxiety that will make you question your abilities, even when you succeed at something and you will find yourself searching some external validation for your successes. To simplify, it will be difficult for you to recognize and rejoice your accomplishments and strengths.

You will always have a feeling that your achievements are a result of some mysterious Fluke or Luck. They are afraid that unless they make a huge effort next time, they are going to Blow it and never succeed again.

This Syndrome is defined as a set of feelings, including inadequacy, self-doubt, intellectual fraudulence that persists despite proof of competence. However, Imposter syndrome does not equate with lack of Self-confidence or Low Self-Esteem. On the contrary, some researchers have linked it to “ Perfectionism”.

Symptoms of Imposter Syndrome

Although there is no specific Line of diagnosis for this, all mental health professionals have dealt with it. Some Indicators are outlined below

• Difficulty accepting Praise or compliments
•  Discount your success for Luck or mere chance
•  Always overwork even after the project has reached its completion
• Have the compulsive need to be the best
• You are not able to enjoy your successes
• Fear success sometimes
• You always compare your struggles with others
• focus more on what you haven’t done than on what you have done
• You have convinced yourself that you are not enough

If You are suffering from these persistent feelings of being a Fraud, you are not the only one who suffered from these kinds of feelings. Research shows that 70% of people have these feeling at some point in their life. SEEK HELP! Recognise that these thoughts are stopping you from Limitless growth and abundance in Life. You do not have to do everything alone.

May is the International Masturbation Month. There is a lot of stigma surrounding Masturbation. To reduce this stigma an entire month is being dedicated to it. Unfortunately, most people have a perception that masturbation is unhealthy.

May 28th each year is celebrated as the International Masturbation Day!

It’s normal for both men and women to masturbate ( what is touch yourself to derive sexual pleasure). Both sexually active people and those who aren’t sexually active masturbate.  Interestingly masturbation even has health benefits, the top health benefit is that it reduces stress.

Almost all of the people masturbate! Talking about it isn’t acceptable, but it’s common for people for both men and women, the young and the old to do it. Even before puberty, very young children sometimes discover that touching their private parts gives pleasure. If you notice that your young children are touching their private parts, tell them that it is normal, but it should be done in private.

Humans masturbate for various different reasons:

• for some, it helps them relax
• others do it to they want to understand their body better
• many masturbate because they want to release sexual tension
• some do it when their partner isn’t around
• The common reason for people to masturbate is that it makes them feel good

It is a common belief among some people that masturbation is only something you do when you don’t have a sex partner. Yet it is a well-known fact that both single people and people in relationships masturbate. Although, the frequency of masturbation differs from person to person. Some people masturbate often, others rarely, and some people don’t masturbate at all.

The thing to remember is that different people masturbate in different ways, for different reasons. Masturbation is a totally personal decision, and there’s no “normal” way.

The key to remember is:

1. It is a private activity and you should do it in private
2. It is normal, as long as it doesn’t disrupt your day to day life and doesn’t prevent you from going to school, college, office, or if it is disrupting your daily life in any way.

If you notice that masturbation is disrupting your day to day life, it is important to meet with an experienced Psychologist who can guide you on how to take control of your life.

Please take our free test on Porn Addiction

Also, read the article on Sex Addiction in Men

Also, read the article on Sex Addiction in Women

Happy Mothers Day to All!

The Last Sunday had been quite eventful for all of us who celebrated for their mothers and Mother’s themselves. Being Women and a Mother comes with a lot of Multi-tasking in New India and a subsequent increase in the inability to deal with it Physically and Psychologically.

Let’s Give all Our mother’s a Gift of “ Understanding” by knowing how all this multitasking could take a toll on a Woman’s Mental Health!

There is a large Percentage of women suffering from untreated and underdiagnosed mental illnesses due to a variety of reasons including inadequacy of mental health professionals, lack of awareness, the disadvantaged position of women, stigma, multiple roles, and domestic violence etc.

 Here are some of the Most Common Psychological Disorders In women which can impact a women’s overall health and well-being:

Depression

One of the major reasons for depression in women is a significant amount of biological changes that they go through in their lifespan. Hormonal flux around and during childbirth is yet another important factor. Women also suffer from premenstrual dysphoric disorder around their menstrual cycles; which has similar symptoms to that of a major depressive disorder. Women are always taught to Internalize and be mindful of their feelings and emotions, unlike the boys who are taught to “Toughen up”! Added to all this, there is the stress of working in the office and the rush of deadlines to be on par with their male counterparts. Statistically, 75 % of Indian working women suffer from depression at some point in their lives.

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

Women are twice likely to suffer from PTSD. This is not due to the fact that women suffer from more traumas in life than men; but certain types of traumas are more common in females like sexual abuse and domestic violence and abuse. Another reason for this statistics of women doubling in rates for this disorder could be how women react to the trauma. The survivors generally blame themselves and believe that their incompetence had led to the trauma. Also, the coping skills that women use are generally suppressing or disengaging from upsetting emotions and memories.

Women generally start with a higher baseline for anxiety and depression; could also explain why they experience Trauma more often.

Anxiety

Anxiety an emotion that has existed in humans since evolution wheel started moving. It is necessary in moderation. But if it gets out of bound it destabilizes the individual and makes him dysfunctional. Again, women are twice as likely to be diagnosed with an Anxiety disorder than Men; grossly because of how the different genders react to the stressors in life. How the women react to stressors again is largely based on social and cultural norms and parenting styles.

Eating Disorders

These disorders are generally labelled as women’s diseases although a lot of men are also affected by them. If you ever noticed the advertisements, billboards, TV commercials; you know how much pressure is placed on women culturally to conform to certain standards of thinness, weight, shape etc. This unhealthy mindset affects women’s relationship with food and body. Among Eating disorders, Binge eating Disorder is more common than Anorexia and Bulimia together. It could also be that men view bingeing as a part of their normal behaviour and not as something that needs correction.

More research is taking place in the light of women’s mental health issues. Targeted treatments Like therapy, counselling etc could bring more positive outcome and a buy women a better mental health.

If you or someone you know is suffering from a Mental Health problem of the categorized or Uncategorized form, do visit a Psychologist for help. Gift your Near and Dear one’s A sound Mental Health and Wellbeing.

Whenever you Hear the word depression or depressed, what picture comes to your mind?

The picture that would come to your mind will be of an isolated lonely guy, who does not want to step out of his/her house, has difficulty getting out of bed, poor hygiene and is essentially sad.

Could you picture a popular guy, who is well-educated professional with a great job, living in a big city, having a long list of friends and awards to his name to be depressed? Yes, he could be, because he wakes up every day with a gripping sense of anxiety and pressure to be “perfect” and a fear of “keeping everything together”.

High-functioning depression creeps in when you have to always be on an “ON” mode because of the pressure of jobs, are sleep deprived and feel like you have to just keep your chin-up. You do not realize that depression is lurking in the background. Although you are in constant motion, still you are unable to live life to the fullest.

What we want to point out is that someone with HFD maybe able to keep up with his demanding job, be in a successful relationship, post good photos on Facebook, attend get-togethers regularly and never look low but inside he may be suffering from a set of symptoms which can go worse if left untreated.

Some of the Symptoms of HFD are:

Problem experiencing  JOY

You would not be able to experience pleasure in things that you used to enjoy earlier. They feel events or get-togethers to be more like a burden.

Criticises others and self

You have a relentless internal dialogue criticizing themselves, others and the world in general. You cannot just turn off this chronic negative thought pattern.

Lack of energy

You feel like you hardly have the energy either physical or mental to get through the day. It feels like you are climbing a hill with a bag of heavy rocks while you go through the day.

Self-doubt

You constantly doubt all your decisions including career, relationship, doubt about your meaning of life and doubts about your ability to handle adult responsibilities.

Excessive anger or irritability

If you blow up small things that your partner says and does or reacts in a way that is disproportionate to the situation.

Guilt and worry about past and future

You tend to worry about almost anything and everything that you did or are about to do. Worrying at things like you are ageing, getting bad grades in college or who is going to take care of your parents when they get older etc. It definitely feels more than normal worrying.

Increase in use of coping mechanisms

If you are spending a lot of time on Netflix, gaming or zoning out very often from engagements or using substances like alcohol, drugs etc. That is you are making a constant effort to escape from your life.

Unable to rest and slow down

If you constantly involve yourself in some kind of work and get uncomfortable if the pace slows down because you fear your own thoughts, it is a sure sign of High Functioning Depression.

There is often a misconception about depression that you can snap out of it with will-power or something bad has to happen in your external world to make you depressed. Whereas when depression does not needs an external reason and is a general and chronic unhappiness with life that is manifested in various symptoms.

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As a company you definitely need to have rules, that is a given, But you should not be lazy and shortsighted in your need to bring in order. It is tempting to make a new rule everytime someone crosses a line.

This is where you have to differentiate yourself rather than blow out. Not every problem needs to be answered with an establishment of a new rule. Some problems need a closer inspection on an individual level rather than killing the morale of other employees.

If you cannot an outlandish behaviour of a few individuals, it is a management problem, and there is no sense in alienating your entire workforce for the same.

Here are a few bad rules companies make to bring in order amongst employees

Ridiculous leave, attendance and time rules

People are given salary for the work they do and not for the number of hours they sit at their desks. When you ask questions to your employees for coming in ten minutes late, although they might put in hours on weekend to be productive, you make it clear that rules take precedence over performance. When you keep unnecessary strict requirements for bereavement or medical leave, it leaves a sour taste in employees mouth.

Also, If your employees need to fake death or ill health to miss a day’s work, what does it talk about your company?

Forced rankings of performance

Job performance often does not follow natural bell-shaped curves like talents. By forcing employees into already existing ranking systems you evaluate performance incorrectly, make people feel like numbers, create insecurity, dissatisfaction and fear among employees that they will be fired. Evaluating each individual objectively based on individual merits and interests is hard but had long-term repercussions on maintaining a healthy culture in your company.

Bad E-mail policies

Some companies are recently getting to restrictive email use like employees have to select from a huge list of approved topics before they can send the message. This clearly sends out the message that you have no trust in your employees. Again, if you have no trust, you could have rather avoided hiring them in the first place. In an attempt to order a few bad guys you make everyone miserable. And the bad news is the bad guys always find a way.

Restricting  use of the internet

There are certain sites that people should not visit at work like pornographic and other obvious stuff. But once that is done, its an arbitrary and difficult line to draw. Most companies draw a line at an awkward place. Restricting facebook would mean the inability to check the profile of someone you just interviewed and that is a bad idea. It might also mean that it would become more difficult to do online research as well. When people are unable to check their social media profiles, it often limits their ability and enthusiasm to continue work productively.

Pathetic attempts to make it politically correct

It is good to attempt maintaining high standards for everyone for how to treat each other as we live in a world that is full of discrimination and animosity. Here also employers need to know where to draw a line. Do not go on a witch hunt as someone said “bless you” to his colleague. This will instil paranoia without making any improvement.

Placing limits on self-expression

You do not need to control how many photographs people can display,or should they or should they not be using water-bottles. It is the old “If I could hire robots instead of people, I would not be having any problem”attitude. Same is with the dress code. If you hire professionals, they will dress up professionally. However, if someone crosses the line, the management can take care of that individually.

Companies need to look more closely into their rules and regulations and analyse and re-analyse what is necessary and what is Not. Your organization should provide people with enough opportunities to flourish and be productive instead of just following rules.

Retirement has the same effects on the Employed and the unemployed. Whether you were working all your life or you were a homemaker taking care of children and household, the essential features are identical barring a few. Retirement essentially is a disengagement from active work life and a transition to a less busy life.

By the time we reach young adulthood i.e around age 25, we have already taken up the roles that we are going to play for the rest of our lives. The age from 25-65 is a hectic time for both genders in various roles. It is also the age when big decisions are either taken by us or enforced on us according to the societal norms. People get into lifetime agreements of marriage, childbearing, planning for future investments and engage themselves meaningfully in all the roles that they take up.

Retirement is not just giving up your job as an office goer, bread earner, homemaker, bread maker, caretaker; but also giving up all the responsibilities that were part of your identity and hence results in an identity disruption.

There are massive social and psychological issues that revolve around the entire situation.

Psychosocial factors and ageing

By the time people retire, they start to be categorized as the “old” and senior citizens;  they suddenly get time to come to the realization that their life has just passed by. They come to the realization that the have become granddads and grandmoms from newlyweds or careerist young individuals. Now they do not have to take care of anyone. Also, they do not need to earn for their parents and children. Consequently, there is a change in their social image. This might look like a natural process to many of you but it comes with a lot of psychological adjustments that need to be undertaken.

Loneliness and depression

Old age and retirement often comes with grief and loss of a spouse by death which adds to the complexity of the situation. Loneliness is a devastating and underestimated condition especially for the elderly. They face a loss of social contacts leading to feelings of rejection, neglect, low morale, low self-efficacy etc. which leads to severe depression and other mental illnesses that go unnoticed as a natural behaviour of the old age.

Loss of identity

There is a sudden change from being Valid to being Invalid as a Person. In addition to the loss of identity due to the role in society and family, there is a physical loss of identity due to age. The body becomes more fragile and the mind starts to degenerate.

Excessive Nostalgia

With a transition into the phase of retirement, the person looks both backwards and forward to his life. Co-incidentally since this phase of retirement comes with ageing, it becomes a major catalyst for looking back into one’s life.  Additionally, the evaluation that comes with it. It is time for reflection into his achievements and failures which often results in nostalgia and lost opportunities. They come to the realization as to what could have been done better and what was always out of their control.

Other factors that lead to Mental illnesses in elderly, is diminished self-worth, trust, decision paralysis, and void of retirement. There is also a search for meaningful engagement, death anxiety and an attempt to move towards self-actualization.

If your parents, in-laws or people whom you know, suffer from these psychological problems;  please visit a therapist or counsellor who can help them overcome this stage of life with lesser turbulence and peace.

Case Study: Background

ABC is a large multinational company in Gurgaon. They are a team of 150 people working on the same floor. Evidently, work colleagues become your second family because you spend 60% of your waking life with them.  Recently there was the death of a young colleague at ABC company. The loss came as a shock to every other member of the organization. Thus, the company’s Human Resource manager and CEO approached Mentriq to provide a Grief Counselling to their close-knit Second family.

Objective

When there is a sudden death in an organization, coworkers are shaken. They feel the loss of Meaning in their personal goals and question the organizational goals and likewise. There is an unexplainable sense of grief and despair among the survivors.

Offer Group and Individual therapy  to ABC Company’s employees and :

• Also, Be emotionally available for employees
• Therapy to Overcome the shock
• Accept the reality of Loss
• Navigate through their own feeling as well as that of their colleagues
• Give meaning to work again
• Get on with the normal pace of life

How were the objectives achieved?

• Counselors from Mentriq were made available for the employees.
•  The Painful incident that took place a day back was narrated to the Counsellors by the CEO and HR of ABC Company
• We gave a presentation on the nature of grief.
•  Conducted group therapy in phases for two over weeks.
• We used various Interactive tools and rituals to help employees ventilate and get on with their normal Lives.

Key Results

In this ever transitory world some kind of  Loss is inevitable and with all kinds of loss comes “Grief”!

It comes with a myriad of feelings including anger, frustration, guilt, regret, helplessness, lack of control over emotions, ambiguity, prolonged sadness or depression etc. Since the set of emotions, a person experience is dependent on the nature of the relationship with the object of loss. Hence, people generally bounce between different thoughts while trying to figure out a meaning of their loss.

• The employees felt empowered.
• We were able to re-establish the interaction between the organizational objectives vis a vis the employee’s personal objectives.
• We were able to bring in an increase in employee motivation and morale hence, reducing the stress, negativity and lack of communication.
• Likewise, the organization felt more confident in achieving yet another milestone on their path to employee satisfaction and building better values in their culture.

If you or anyone you know is suffering from grief, please have them meet with an experienced psychologist.

Sexual Minority is defined as a group whose orientation sexually, sexual identity or choices differ from the majority of the people. It differs from what is considered as a Normal sexual orientation in the society. It also includes transgenders, the third gender or intersex orientation.

The most important term here is Sexual Orientation.

What do you understand by sexual orientation?

Sexual orientation refers to a consistent pattern of romantic, emotional and/or sexual attraction to a particular gender or both genders. This orientation is a major source of a person’s sense of self and identity. Research shows that it can range anywhere from being attracted only to the opposite gender to exclusive attraction to the same gender.

• Three categories of Sexual Orientation are:
• Heterosexual i.e, having romantic, emotional and sexual attractions to the opposite sex;
• Gay/Lesbian i.e, having romantic, emotional, and sexual attractions to the same sex; and
• Bisexual i.e, having romantic, emotional and sexual attractions towards both the genders.

Sexual orientation has nothing to do with biological components of sex and gender or the genetic predispositions associated with being a man or a woman. It is also different from the gender identity and social gender roles. It is not only an individualistic characteristic like biological sex, age or gender identity. Sexual orientation can be expressed through simple behaviors like kissing, hugging or holding hands.

Psychological Issues Faced by the Not so Common Sexually Oriented

Homosexuality is not a mental disorder but the associated conditions of acceptance, social discrimination, bias and stress that comes along with it is a matter that disturbs the mental health of an individual. Typically a person’s sexual orientation emerges anywhere between middle childhood and early adolescence. These patterns of romantic, emotional and sexual choice may present itself without a sexual experience.

A person can be celibate and still know what his sexual orientation and choices are. What people experience regarding their sexual orientation is entirely different for each individual. Some people know that they are lesbian, bisexual or gay long before they actually get into a relationship with other people. Some engage in sexual activity with the similar sex or different sex partners before they are able to assign a clear label to their sexual orientation.

Claiming the sexual identity may be difficult for many people as it is often a very slow process.

How can Therapy Help?

Mental health is often a matter of concern among the LGBT people owing to the huge discrimination and bullying faced by them.  The most difficult thing for these people is to “Come out”. It includes self-awareness of their sexual attractions, disclosing to a few people, then disclosure to a large group or society and Lastly identifying oneself with the LGBT community. This coming out has the risk of prejudice and harsh discrimination associated with it. It is not easy to get over with so many issues at all levels alone.

Therapy also helps in

• Accepting your orientation sexually
• Coping with the reactions of people around you
• Getting over Gender dysphoria(Feeling that your body does not reflect your true gender)
• Transitioning from present to the desired gender state
• Low confidence and self-esteem
• Thoughts of self-harm or suicide
• Depression dues to long-term bullying
• Dealing with hostility and rejection from friends and family

Don’t suffer alone in silence.  Being more open about your choices and sexual orientation will buy you a better mental health.

If you are like most of the people who believe that being liked by someone comes from an untrainable, natural trait of a person. You are under a mistaken belief. To be likeable you do not need to be good looking, fiercely social, or exceptionally talented. It is a matter of High Emotional Intelligence.

In a recent study, subjects were asked to rate other people on their perceived traits of likeability. Surprisingly the majority of descriptors had nothing close to being attractive, gregarious or intelligent. Although some of them were related to sincerity, empathy and transparency.

These people have the skills of the social side of EQ. Apart from being likeable, they are also outperformers by a large margin. Alternatively, your being likeable at work can alter your performance.

Let us uncover some of the crucial behaviours that hold most of the people back from being likeable. Try to decrease the behaviours that make you unlikeable by magnifying the behaviours that do the opposite:

Emotional Hijacking

If you are often throwing tantrums, getting into arguments, screaming or throwing things out of anger; you lack control. You have to control your emotions depending on the situation. Exploding at someone without assessing how much they deserve it will picture you are unapproachable and intimidating. Take the driver’s seat by controlling what you feel by responding rather than reacting.

Dropping Names

It is great if you know people who are important or interesting but name dropping in every conversation us silly and pretentious. Just like Humble-bragging; people can often see through your intentions. You do not have to connect everything with who you know just to get attention. Be considerate, friendly and concise in conversations. Do not try to prove how important you are at the drop of A hat. Right attitude attracts more people than knowing someone important.

Bringing out your phone

Stop whipping out your phone in the mid of every conversation. Even a quick look or a text message turns people off. During a conversation, focus all your attention and energy on the ongoing conversation. Conversations will be more meaningful and enjoyable when you are completely in the moment.

Humble-bragging

Humblebragging is a kind of self-appraisal under the mask of self –deprecation. For example, the boy who often makes fun of himself for being a nerd; who actually wants to be appreciated for being a smart guy. Self-deprecation does not mask your bragging because people can see through it clearly. It is more frustrating because it is also an attempt to deceive.

Keeping your mind closed

Keep your mind open, to ideas as well as to people. It will make you more interesting and approachable. Do not be judgemental about everything around you. Sometimes, you really have to watch situations and the world through the eyes of the other person. You do not have to believe what they believe in or agree with whatever they say, but it simply means to quit forming opinions and just understanding their point of view.

Being very serious

Passionate people are often viewed as being too serious or un-participating because they are absorbed in their work. Hence, try to balance your work with having fun. Do not miss on valuable social moments at the workplace. Also, try to remember things that are important to people around you to make them understand how important they are to you.

Gossiping

Do not get carried away by office gossips. It makes you look terrible! So, commenting or making remarks at someone else’s misfortunes or misdeeds would hurt their feelings if the gossip ever finds its way to them. Likewise, gossiping makes you look extremely spiteful and negative, every time you indulge in it.

Summing it all up, it is important that you build your awareness around how your actions can be viewed by people around you. This will pave your way to being more likeable and strip off all negativity around you.

Also, Read our Blog on Low Emotional Intelligence.